Thursday, June 30, 2022

Two of Pentacles

 June 30. 2022

Deck: 
 Intuitive Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Magic juggling, Native American, balanced

Book:  Flexibility, adaptation, change, play, balance

Guidance:   Figure out your priorities and figure out how you may rework them in order to find the results you seek

Journaling:

This is an interesting question especially around my school work as I have to ask myself is my priority the satisfaction of doing the research, the satisfaction of getting a good grade, or the satisfaction of getting the PhD.  For me, those things are tied together as I want to do the research in a structured way.  I can do a lot of it on my own, but I want to be led and guided so that what I come up with makes sense.

I also got a body blow this week when I heard back from Metro and I make way too much for them to even consider hiring me.  That hurts as I know I have so much to offer.  However, I also know that at least now I can't afford to take a pay cut.  there may be a day when I can, but I can't now.  I guess that means I continue to research and do what i can and then see what happens.

Where I'm At:  I am at home this week and hanging out in the living room with the doggos.

Weather:  It is a beautiful day out.  It's warm and sunny and the doggos and I laid outside for an hour.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 / 9:05

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August 26, 2019

First Impressions: 
 Juggling, precarious

Book:  Grounded on the earth while reaching for the sun

Guidance:  Need to stay balanced while handling opposing needs

Journaling

This was a message I definitely needed to hear today as I was trying to do my job, but be as present as possible for Cam who was being there for Elif in her last days.  It was incredibly difficult as I really wanted to just go home and be with her, but by the time I got there, Elif would have passed and I have responsibilities that I need to meet to keep my job.  I'm realizing more and more that the number one issue I have with my life is that I don't feel like I am able to be present for anyone, including myself.  I am continually juggling client needs, my own needs, and the need to be there for my kids.  That's especially difficult right now because Cam is falling apart and I can't be there for her.  I need to stay employed to keep a roof over our heads, but I know that she needs me because she is struggling so much.  She missed the first day of her GA position to be with Elif and although my heart says that it was the right decision, my brain says it was not.

I also have to deal with Sean who is being completely unhelpful.  He took off to ride roller coasters today because he couldn't deal with it emotionally.  And instead of saying that he was unable to be there, he got angry at everyone and raged.  He is such a tender soul and he loves the ferrets, maybe even more than Cam.  He was so hopeful over the weekend and he thought she would get better.  He was completely unable to accept that she wasn't going to make it and I think the reason that he went out today is because he couldn't handle it.  I know he was devastated when Luke died, but I think he is even more devastated by Elif's death. 

I don't know what being present and juggling looks like going forward, but I do know that something needs to change as I'm struggling with how to truly be present for anyone.  I just keep bouncing from thing to thing and I feel like I am messing everything up. The sales calls was especially hard because I told them I had to leave at 1, but they ignored us and just kept talking about other things.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful I got through the day without collapsing
I'm grateful I was able to be as present as possible for Cam
I'm grateful I juggled as best I could
I'm grateful I did not totally flame JS, although I really wanted to for her insulting comment
I'm grateful Cam is so kind and tenderhearted
I'm grateful that I did not flame Sean for his inability to be present

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June 4, 2019

First Impressions:  Thelma from Scooby Doo, Juggling, maintaining one's balances, life coming fast and furious

Book:  Balance, search for equilibrium during a busy time, balancing act between worldly challenges and inner affairs,

Guidance:  Maintain grace and adaptability in the midst of change, see the sacredness of every day tasks

Journaling:

This card truly represented where I was at today as I flew from Chicago to Dallas last night, gave a two hour presentation, then flew back to Chicago.  I was juggling multiple clients along with my already insane light.  What I learned from today is that it is very possible to juggle, as long as I take care of myself and make sure I get enough sleep, eat the right food, etc.  I arrived late last night and my rental car was a huge 4x4 that was really too big for me to drive.  However, by the time I had realized I'd been given this mondo  beast, I was already at the car and exhausted.  The thing is that I was so exhausted that I actually did get a good night's sleep and made it through my presentation.  I also made sure I went to bed early when I got back to Chicago.

I love the guidance to see the sacredness of every day tasks.  One of the things I realize that I am being called to do is to bring my whole self to everything I do.  When I am at the front of the room talking about how to treat people, I am talking about my spiritual beliefs because I am coming to realize that it is critical to be kind to everyone we meet because we don't know what they are going through that is leading them to behave badly.  It is also critical that we are generous when we think about other people's behavior because we don't know what they're going through. 

However, the flip side of that is that we need to demand that we be treated with respect and not let our kindness for others demean ourselves.  I spent 22 years allowing myself to be treated with disrespect until I came to believe that I had no place in this world and that the only way I deserved respect was to subjugate myself to others.  I've learned that isn't true and that's a pretty amazing feeling.

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December 24, 2016

First impressions:  Juggling

Book:  Full life, ability to keep everything flowing resourceful, flexible, accountability

Guidance:  Be aware of overdoing for the sake of admiration of others

Journaling

This card for me is about juggling various tasks and trying to stay in balance.  There are days I feel so completely unbalanced and I know my sugar addiction is a big part of the reason.  I see sweets and go nuts.  My body just has to have sugar even though I know it is killing me.  I see my numbers go up and up when I have sugar, but I can't stop shoving it in my face.  I guess that is how alcohol and cigarettes are for John.  He knows they are killing him, but he can't stop.

Dearest ones, please change me into someone who is loving and non-judgemental.  Help me to remember that everyone has different struggles and some of those struggles are with addiction.  Please help me to let go of my need for sugar.  Please help me break its hold on me.

July 9, 2018

I'm realizing the more I start loving myself that my sugar addiction is truly an addiction.  it is not a matter of will power, being a crappy person, or having a death wish.  It is an addiction and it truly has a grip on me.  I need to work to turn it over and to find resources to help me heal.

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October 6, 2016

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions:  The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks.  There are boats in the background.  The boy has his eyes closed.  Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks.  This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book:  Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance:  Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don't lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on.  The message that I'm getting is that sometimes I'm juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of.  There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention.  One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway.  I've said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens.  There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I've gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren't worth my time and energy.  Worry is one ball that I've been working hard to let go of.  There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn't help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop.  I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens.  I've spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go.  That's a big part of the reason that I've been working to let go of Chicago.  Going back there keeps me entangled and that's not healthy for me.  What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John.  I really do hate him for what he's done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me.  He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is.  I just need to let go




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