Monday, June 20, 2022

The Devil

June 20, 2022 

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess

Card Name:  Reclamation

First Impressions:  Vulture reclaiming, butterfly as transformation, goddess has hoofs

Book:  Choice, shifting perspective, self work, shadow work

Guidance:   You are your own master

Journaling:

I love the thought of the Devil as reclaiming as I'm learning that the devil really is about reclaiming who I am and reclaiming my rights as a person.  I was brought up to believe I had no rights and that everything I did was about someone else.  However, I'm working to reclaim who I am and to become the person I am meant to be.

I'm also realizing that I am working to reclaim who I want to be from who I have become.  I swore in college that I would never become a corporate robot, but in so many ways I feel like that is who I am.  I've become someone I don't really like.  I work at a job that requires me to be nice to assholes and it is getting harder and harder to do.  I know that every job requires you to be nice to assholes to a certain extent, but this one sucks more than most.

Weather:  It actually felt cool out today although it was about 75

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 57%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------May 13, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Evil, debauchery, separation, scary

Book:  Oppression, addiction, voluntary bondage, temptation, materialism, toxic relationships

Guidance: Even the angels can fall from grace

Journaling:

It's interesting as I view the devil as a give myself permission card.  The devil is about hedonism and excess, but who determines what is hedonism and excess?  I was raised in a family where denial was the rule.  It was drilled into my head that sex before marriage was bad and when I was living with John my family harassed me until I married him.  My mother guilted me, my aunts called to see if he answered the phone.  However, my brain was so fucked up by all the stupid lessons my family had given me that I gave in and married him and set myself up for 22 years of hell.  I should have been strong enough to tell them to fuck off.  Sex is not a sin and it is so patriarchal to act like women are sluts for sleeping with men without being married.

Where: I'm at home alone this evening while the kids are taking the puppers for a walk.  It is so nice to have a quiet house.  I'm also feeling horrible today as the cramps are super bad and I am so tired and weak.  I don't know what's up, but I'm just tired of being tired.

Weather:  It was hot all day, but it has started to cool down

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 90%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:07 /8:37

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March 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Stardust, seduction, pulling strings

Book:  Addiction, liberation, freedom from vices, healing found in darkness

Guidance: Witness and release your own shadows  

Journaling:

The invitation into the dark is a sacred one.  I followed the siren call of the darkness after my divorce and I found it a healing and seductive place.  There is seduction in staying curled into a ball and ignoring the world around me.  There was seduction in exploring my own history and there was a temptation to play the victim.  So much of who we are came about because of other people.  My parents shaped me with my embracing some of the lessons, rejecting others, and absorbing still others unconsciously.  I've consciously rejected my mother's racist and judgmental attitudes, but there are times when I see someone and her voice plays in my head as I judge people for how they look, what they wear, etc.  There is a part of me that is ashamed when I hear that voice.  However, I'm also learning to be kind to myself and to realize that like everyone I am a product of my history and just because I think it does not mean I say it.

I also realize that the ability to go willingly into the darkness is privilege.  Some people do not have the time or the energy to delve into their subconscious.  And other people get pulled into the darkness through addiction.

Where I'm At:  I'm sitting on the living room couch in the calm.  There is work to be done, but sometimes it is just nice to 

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day today as it hit 70 and it felt so warm outside.  If it is this nice tomorrow, I'm going to hang out outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 9%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 / 6:22

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 January 14, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Escaping from a cage, in your face, the serpent, temptation, Adam and Eve

Book: Greed, controversy, strange expressions, giving into baser instincts, unwilling to leave negative situations

Guidance:  Be mindful of addiction

Journaling

My gut instinct in seeing this card was the snake in the myth of Adam and Eve. The snake is temptation and Eve succumbs, forever damning her in the world of Christian mythology.  However, as a grownup, I realize that the real lesson of the myth of the Garden of Eden is that things are not as they appear.  There are some scholars who believe that Eve is superior to Adam because she was made last and that the serpent talked to her because she was smarter than Adam.  Another possibility is that the serpent was representative of the Goddess who the fucking patriarchy had to demonize at all costs to sell their notion of the old evil sky god.

It's interesting as I reflect on this card that I see the evolution of my thinking from the pure gut instinct that was drilled into me by the patriarchal Sunday school my father insisted I attend to the more enlightened view I grew into.  The patriarchy says that women and snakes are evil so my first impression upon seeing this card was evil and he downfall of humanity.  However, there are other cultures where the snake is revered and my logical brain knows this.

I could write a dissertation on the vilification of women and snakes by the Christian church, but my take aways for today is that things are not what they appear to be and to look deeper.  Addiction is a bad thing, but denying all pleasure is equally bad.

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September 18, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Sadness, under someone's thumb, inability to act on one's own

Book:  Inner demons, hidden parts we are ashamed of

Guidance:  If we can release our inner demons, enormous energy will be released and darkness becomes light

Journaling

It's interesting that even though I know better, my first impression of the devil is always of being under someone else's control and being abused by some external force.  In reality, the devil is about giving our control away and choosing to be a victim.  It is about choosing to believe the ugly words that people say about us, it is about choosing to do things that do not make us proud of ourselves, and it is choosing to believe we have no power in our lives.  There are things that happen to us that are outside of our control, but all too often we choose to make those things about us when they often aren't.  I'm sitting here after a client blew me off for a morning meeting for the second time in a week.  Ten years ago, my reaction would have been to make it about me, but now I realize that it isn't about me at all, but is all about her.   Ten years ago if someone cut me off, I would have made it personal, but now I realize it is not about me.  And even if things are about me, I have a choice to believe or not believe what people say.

This is another lesson I learned in Al-Anon, that the world does not revolve around me and that choosing to be a victim is in some ways another way of being arrogant and looking for attention.  While being arrogant says I'm so wonderful, being a victim says that I'm a poor pitiable creature and I need you to take care of me because I cannot take care of myself.  I used to be that poor pitiable creature who needed everyone to validate that I had a right to exist.  As I started to grow and heal, I realized where those ideas about myself came from and I worked hard to squash them and develop my own sense of personhood.  I've learned my strengths and my weaknesses and by learning to accept all of me, I'm learning to mitigate the effects of my weaknesses.


Gratitudes
I'm grateful that I finished my paper
I'm grateful for the awesome steaks for dinner
I'm grateful for the conversation with David
I'm grateful Scott will be able to see me next week
I'm grateful that I have work to do
I'm grateful for the conversation with Christie
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I'm grateful for the awesome salad from Zagara's
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July 6, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Rock Star, Hedonism

Book:  Lord of Obsession, Baser Instincts, embodying all of our shadow instincts, light and dark muse coexist

Guidance:  Look at the part of yourself you have repressed or denied, seek the road between inhibition and compulsion, seek pleasure without shame, explore all of usJournaling

The devil is a card that I always struggled with and that always scared me because I know that obsession and addiction can ruin lives.  However, the Devil has a valuable lesson to teach us and that is managing our hedonism and accepting that pleasure does not have to be addictive.  There are times when we are so afraid of feeling good or having nice things that we say no to everything.  Working with Devil energy means knowing when to say no and when to say yes.  I will always say no to drugs or things that could seriously harm me, but I can find balance in my life when it comes to other hedonistic pleasure. 

I know I have an addictive personality and I will never say yes to hard drugs because I know they have the potential to destroy my life.  I am learning to balance my addictions to food and learning when to say yes and when to say no.  I've learned that if I have a really high quality treat and I make it special, it is satisfying.  However, if I continually say yes to drugstore chocolate or subpar treats, I will eat more and more of them because they are not satisfying.  I'm also learning that I have to say no at the grocery store because generally I won't go back out to get junk food, but if I say yes in the grocery store, I will eat and eat and eat until it is gone. 

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April 18, 2017


Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card Name:  Pan, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Slave to desires

Book:  Not being in harmony, not being chained, chains falling off

Guidance:  rules of nature apply to external and unbalanced world.  Look at our own addictive behavior.  Elevate a sense of humor, search for the light

Affirmation:  I am not a slave to my addictions

Journaling:

It's time for me to let go of my addictions and crutches and to trust the universe that it will all be okay.  I am stronger than I know and I am going to be okay.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Another card of surrender and trust.  I need to surrender, but I'm not sure what I need to surrender.  I need to surrender my need to control.  I need to release and open myself to receive.  I have so many barricades built around me that it is hard for anyone to get close to me.

January 15, 2022  Revisit

One of the most important lessons I have learned over the last few years is that not everything is under my control.  The New Age world preaches that we create our own reality, but that is not 100% true.  There are factors that are outside of our control that impact our reality.  We need to look at what is and what is not under our control when we consider creating our own reality.

I hate to go back to John as an example, but I'm going to.  He says that he did not get the opportunity to go to college and graduate, but that is not true.  I was willing to pay for him to go to college on Okinawa, but he blew it because he wanted to go to college three nights a week and go bowling and do other things and expected me to work all day and come home and take care of the kids and the house.  I was not signing up for that.  If he had been reasonable about it, he could have come home from Okinawa with a degree.  He also had the opportunity to get tuition reimbursement at Standard Parking and he chose not to.  Those were choices.  He also chose to buy a house pretty much sight unseen and now he is realizing what a dump it is and he has  no money to fix it.  Those were also choices he made.

We are seeing more and more people sick with covid and they are sick because they chose not to get the vaccine.  That is there choice, but unfortunately other people are adversely impacted by that choice.  


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October 25, 2016


Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:
  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don't have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I've also realized that owning and accepting doesn't mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don't still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don't just give me a short term sugar high.
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September 13, 2016


Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Initial Thoughts:  There is a musical note between the figures that is kind off interesting.  Additionally, the Devil has an upside down pentacle on his forehead.  He also makes me think of a puppet pulling strings.  When I see this card, I think of choices as the couple is not tied up and it appears they could flee if they wanted  to escape.  This card also reminds me that bondage is sometimes personal choice.  I also think about our devotion t o addictions such as sex and materialism.

Book:  Being held in bondage, undesirable forces, chained down by materialism, temptation, call to awaken to responsibility, integrate and channel the life force.

Guidance:  Live in balance.  Accept the wealth the world has to offer.

Journaling

Since the DruidCraft deck was my first tarot deck, I always think about Cernunous when I see this card.   He is the horned god of the hunt and in that deck the "devil" is not evil, but a force to be channeled.  Overindulging is what puts is unto bondage.

This card like so many tarot carts speaks for balance.  It is when we get out of balance that life becomes unmanageable and addictions are a good indication that life is unmanageable.  This card could also be speaking to me of my need to break my sugar addiction.  I know it is killing me, but I still shovel sugar in my mouth.  I'm not sure how to break the addiction and get back on track.  I need to ask for guidance.

December 21, 2017
I'm getting chills as I read what I wrote because today while Cam and I were out walking, I talked about how so many stories about addiction don't talk about the spiritual side of healing and the need to ask for help to take the addiction away.  I know when I was in college and was drinking too much, it was AA that truly helped me to break the addiction.  Asking for help and turning my addiction over to a higher power truly helped me to heal.  It didn't make it easy, but it did help me to recover.

It was a higher power that also helped me to deal with my codependency after my marriage imploded.  By turning it over to a higher power, I was able to find the strength to heal and to leave behind some of my addictive and co-dependent behavior.

Dearest ones,

I admit that I am powerless over sugar and my life and health has become unmanageable.  I know that you can help me with this addiction and I am humbling asking you to do so and to take away my cravings for the sugar that is slowly killing me.

Thank you,
Raine


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