Monday, October 31, 2022

Knight of Wands

October 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  In some ways, this card looks like the devil sitting in front of the gates of hell.  However, I could also see this as an Indian holy man sitting in front of a funeral pyre.

Book:  Searching for meaning, a spiritual quest.

Guidance:   Look within


In some ways, I feel like my entire life is a quest for spiritual meaning and there are days when I feel like I have been looking without for that meaning.  I look for spiritual meaning in books, in candles, in prayer, and in other people.  However, the truth of the matter is that my spiritual meaning has to come from within.  It has to come from the deepest part of the soul.  I don't know what that meaning is yet, but I do believe that I need to find that meaning in myself.

Sometimes I think the meaning is taking care of others, but that is difficult sometimes as there are so many people who will take advantage of you and not respect you.  There are also so many days when I want to just go away and never talk to anyone again.  I love my solitude and I love having my time and space to myself.  Maybe my spiritual meaning is to find and understand myself.

Where I'm At:  I'm at home with the kids today and we had beef pot pies for dinner, cranberry wine, and apples with caramel.  We went through and did the recitation of our beloved dead.  We also talked about the fact that Stella died over the weekend.  Cam and I had both felt like the energy was angsty

Weather:  It was really nice out.  As it is getting to the end of October, it is getting dark earlier, but the weather is nice and has just that perfect crisp in the air.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 41%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:55/6:23


June 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I love that this knight is dressed in gold instead of silver, his headdress makes him look like a healer, and his wand is a living thing

Book:  Charming, adventure, daring, manifestation

Guidance:   Horus protects those who dare to fly


This card is calling me to be bold, to be my best self, and to know that I am golden.  This card is calling me to engage in magick and find  my place in the world,  It is about being brave, being bold, and knowing where I deserve to go.  It is also calling me to manifest my dreams.  I have been in such a rut lately that I haven't felt like doing manifestation.  However, i think it is time for me to revisit my magick heart.  The first step is to clean the house and clean away all the nasty energy.  I'm going to work on that this week when Sean is gone.

Where I'm At:  I'm in Peoria today.  We finished up early this morning so I went back to my hotel to hang out.  I had my PON call and the Evil M dominated it.  Even though I had multiple topics and she knew that, she acted as if it was all about her.  She always acts as if it is all about her.  I also had the creepiest experience in the hotel.  I was in bed and I felt as if there was a heartbeat going up and down my back.  It spooked me and I thought it might have been Luke or Blake, but I don't know.

Weather:  It was not as hot outside today so I got a lot done.  It was also nice as I actually had energy today, which hasn't happened in a while.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 59%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 am / 8:27 pm


March 18, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Abandon, being surrounded by passion

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, spirited energy that gets things done 

Guidance:   Bravely pursue the things that inspire you the most


As I think about what inspires me the most, it is being of service and helping illuminate situations that make people think.  I want to help real people and not just help big corporations.  I'm also struggling with patriarchal ways of power because I'm realizing it is all about ego.  At work, people have these ideas and want to enforce them not because they think they are a good idea, but because of their own ego.

I always thought it was suspect when people said that women led differently, but I'm realizing that it is true.  Women are more about servant leadership and about helping other people get ahead.  However, a patriarchal way of leadership is about being in charge and beating one's chest.  Feminist leadership is about reaching out a hand and helping others up.

So how do I live a life that is true to my values?  I think I need to start praying daily for my life to change to meet my values.  

Where I'm At: is a Friday morning and I'm at home.  I have absolutely no desire to work today, but I also did a lot yesterday so I don't have too much to finish

Weather: It is a little chilly out, but it is only 8 am.  It looks like it will be a beautiful day

Moon Phase:  Full

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:33am / 7: 36 pm


February 19, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Joyous abandon, spontaneity, creativity, spark of joy

Book:  Charisma, spontaneity, fast energy, enthusiasm, spirited energy

Guidance:   Bring adventure and enthusiasm into your world


This is a card of fiery passion and abandon and it has been a long time since I've felt that energy in my life.  I used to think nothing of jumping in the car and setting off on an adventure, but lately it feels like there are to many responsibilities tying me down.  it feels as if life is about meeting my responsibilities and not about the joy of exploration.  However, when I really dig into it, I realize that I spend my life in fear.  I'm afraid of not having enough.  I'm afraid of losing what I have.  

It has been a long time since I have just let myself live.  I think that is what appeals to me about Big Sur as when I am there, I can just be.  I can experience the sunsets, the beach, and the world in a very visceral way that is not part of my every day meeting.  That is part of what I love about the Southwest as well.  When i am there, I inhabit my body and am part of the world in a way that I'm not when I am home.  I think part of it is that this does not feel like my body home.  I don't feel attached to the land in the same way that I do in California and the Southwest.  When I am in those places, I feel at home in my body and my soul.  I've felt less at home in Ohio and the Midwest then ever before this winter.  The winter has soaked into my bones and I feel cold all the time.  Maybe that is why people flee the Midwest for Arizona and Florida, there bodies can no longer handle the cold.

This card is also a reminder of the joys of drumming and how the energy from the drum fills your entire body.  For me, drumming is not about the sound as much as it is about the feeling my body gets from the sound reverberating through my very bones.  As I reflect on this card, I feel it is about feeling the connection of body, mind, and spirit and being in synch with myself.

Where I'm At: I'm at home today and I'm sitting in the orange chair snuggling with Wendy while the sun shines through the picture window.  It is one of those beautiful, but cold days.  

Mood: I'm in a good mood today as I only worked 1/2 a day yesterday and I'm feeling relaxed and calm.  

Weather:   It is beautiful, but cold outside.  It is only 18 degrees, but because it is sunny, it doesn't feel quite so cold.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 92%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:15 am / 6:04 pm


January 26, 2022

 Tarot of the divine

First Impressions:  out of control, speed, going too fast, heading down a hill, act first and think later

Book:  Adventure, passion, a temper, rebel, eager to fight

Guidance:  Grab what you want to get what you want


I used to be the knight of wands and I would jump into action without thinking things through.  I remember one of the first dates that J and I went on and we drove to St. Louis and I didn't have enough money for gas to get home.  I've become more cautious and as I've gotten older I've realized the need to be more circumspect.  However, I miss that girl who threw caution to the wind and jumped in and did things spur of the moment.  While there is something to be said for planning.  In a lot of ways becoming an adult sucks and I think one of the ways it sucks the most is it takes the spontaneity out of life.

Maybe the message of this card is to be the knight of wands and plunge forward fearlessly, but to have a credit card in my back pocket to pay for unseen expenses.

August 31, 2019

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Wisdom, endurance

Book:  Searching for enlightenment

Guidance:  Open yourself to the world of spirit


I was drawn to this card because it feels warm and wise and the meaning of opening yourself to the world of spirit is apt for me because I need to balance my book learning with opening my heart to new things.  I love my school work, but I also know that I have a tendency to become obsessed and to focus all my energy on brain learning and not let myself take time for the softer types of learning, of feeling, and of being present for myself.  I can sit my butt on the couch and type all day without noticing the beauty and wonder that is all around me.  One way that I know to counter this is to physically get up and clean the house once or twice a day.  Doing so helps me to get out of my head and into my body, and getting out of my head and into my body helps reconnect me with spirit.

The other thing that I need to get better about doing is getting into an actual routine for my tarot journaling.  I've been really bad about not doing that every day and I think that is because I don't yet have a set routine.  I actually like doing it at night because it feels like a really good way to end the day, especially when I am pulling cards deliberately, but lately I've been letting myself get so sucked into school that I haven't made the 10 minutes it takes a day to pull a card and right about it.  I also have to quit working right up until time to go to bed.  The one thing that I am doing right though is making time to connect on the Dark Goddess Lodge.  I'm actually doing the meditations and reflecting on them on a regular basis.  That's helping me connect with spirit on a deeper level and is adding meaning to my life and helping me to grow.


I'm grateful for Sean's yummy casserole
I'm grateful for sitting outside with Cam
I'm grateful for the ever cooling weather
I'm grateful for the yummy Jamocha shake
I'm grateful that Sean brought Mexican pizza home
I'm grateful for being able to afford a cartload of food
I'm grateful that I have money to pay my bills
I'm grateful for laughing with my kids
I'm grateful I made myself spend some time on cleaning

July 14, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Card name:  Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery


I'm not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.


Dinner with Sean
Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library
Sitting here and having peace
Feeling better

February 19, 2022 revisit

It's interesting to read that today as I just finished the book In Praise of Slowness and it truly spoke to my heart.  A lot of the busy, busy, busy culture we live in is about capitalism and consumerism.  Society has convinced us that we cannot be happy unless we are buying things as the next new thing will make us feel better.  And the capitalist overlords want us to be so busy that we don't recognize how little we are getting out of this thing called capitalism.  There is no joy in capitalistic life as it is all about buying more and doing more.

I think one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to just BE.  We don't have to do anything.  Just BEing is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, but we don't believe that and spend so much time trying to be someone else.

October 11, 2016

 Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Fire, Passion

Book:  Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance:  Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude


All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I'm very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don't know what I'm up against.  I feel as if I don't know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don't know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I've been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I've taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I've bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I'm not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.
May 9, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

This card has come up twice within a week and that really makes me wonder why.  Part of me wants to read it as it is about X.  I want to take it literally about playing with fire and about taking risks and being bold.  But there could be so many other aspects of my life this could apply to.  Is it about revitalizing something?  Is it about taking risks and playing with my future? It might be about taking risks and being bold from a career perspective.  I guess I'm going to have to pray and meditate to determine what's going on.

Words:  Bold, Blaze, Risks, Control, Beauty, Self Worth, dancing with fire

May 3, 2016

Deck:  Gaian tarot

Card Name:  Explorer of Fire

First Impressions:  Being one with the flame, being surrounded by the flame, dancing in the dark, playing with fire.  This card speaks to secrets and the unknown as the woman dancing with fire is masked.  I read this card as someone who is a risk taker, someone who is not afraid of getting burned.  She has a confidence, almost an arrogance.  There may be energy there that is not so playful.

Book:  Playing with fire, taking risks, a woman who is balance, coordinated, flexible, and daring, fire consumes, and transforms, it's important to take precautions when dancing with fire.

Guidance:  Share your enthusiasm and let sparks fly, take a bold stand, move toward what you want in life


I'm wondering exactly what this card means for me.  Does it mean that I'm playing with fire in relationships?  Does it mean I should be bold and make a move?  It's interesting as the fire dancer has come up several times in readings about relationships.  I also wonder if this card is symbolic of the dance we do.

I am getting such a strong message right now that I need to step back and that everything will all work out.  I need to step back and get out of my own way. 

February 4, 2018 Review

Interesting cards lately as I'm really getting the message that it is time for me to be bold about my own life.  It is time for me to choose my own path and to walk away from things that no longer serve me.  And waiting for him to come around no longer serves me.  I deserve a life of wonder and passion and it is time for me to claim that life.

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I'm very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don't know what I'm up against.  I feel as if I don't know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don't know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018 Review

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I've been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I've taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I've bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I'm not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

April 27, 2016

  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Explorer of Fire

Guidance:  You are playing a dangerous game, you like being the center of attention, you like to dominate, let the contours and dramas of our life soften us.


Oddly enough this was the actual card of the day today.  It's interesting to me because they are both fire cards and in some ways have very contradictory meanings.  While the five of fire seems to be a warning about playing with fire, this card is about exploring and getting to know fire.

Is this card telling me that I'm finally ready to play with fire and it is time for him to come into my life?  The funny thing is that I'm not even sure that's what I want in my life anymore.  I'm at a point in my life where I WANT someone in my life, but no longer NEED someone in my life like I did at one point.  I'm fairly strong and confident in who I am all by myself.  I think that's part of why I am so torn because I love my life in Cleveland.  I loving having independence.  I love being able to do what I want with my house and not having to collaborate with anyone else.  I also don't want to be with someone who will hold me back.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm not ready to sacrifice my life for someone else's.

 I was thinking about K. this morning and about how he values and appreciates my journeys.  He sees it as amazing and spiritual and not weird like someone else does.  Someone else sees it as fantasy at best and demonic at worst and I don't know if that's what I want in my life.  Having someone who views my gifts that way is just another way that I put myself down and feel less than.

December 24, 2017 Recap

Interesting as when I originally wrote this, I did feel this way intellectually, but there was a part of my heart that still needed to have someone special in my life and I wanted the person that I wanted.  I've come a long way in the past year and a half and although I do want someone in my life, I've truly become more comfortable in my own skin and I'm realizing the joys of being my own person and not having to answer to anyone.
April 17, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Fiery passion, plunging ahead

Book:  Expanding and violating aspect of fire, bold and unafraid

Guidance:  Guard against becoming too macho, direct your passion to overcoming personal shortcomings, learn to yield

Affirmation:  I have universal power at my command.  I can and do make a difference


I love this card.  It is about blocks being removed and about finding one's power.  Paradoxically, one of the meanings is surrender and I do feel I have to have faith and surrender.  I fell like it is all going to work out with X.  I just need to have faint and surrender my need for control.  I need to trust the future to them.  I've put it out there that i want and deserve love.  I have to trust them while I do magick on me.

April 22, 2016 Revisit

Opening myself to receive is one of the hardest things ever.

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