Wednesday, June 1, 2022

King of Cups

June 1, 2022


Deck:  
Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Emotions, fluidity

Book:  Serving others, emotional stability, warm heart

Guidance: Be at home with your true feelings

Journaling:

I'll be honest and say that my true feelings are scary right now.  I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm afraid, I'm angry.  The world seems to be going all to hell and we are so off kilter that it seems impossible to fix anything.  I don't know what the answer is and I don't even know if my help or hard work will fix anything.  It seems as if the problems are so much bigger than all of us.  It seems as if nothing will fix any of it.

And it seems as if I am wasting my life working in a ob that serves no one.  I'm also afraid to help people because I'm afraid of absorbing other people's emotions and taking on their pain.  I have so much pain of my own, that it feels lie taking on other people's pain is overwhelming.  I don't know if anything will come out of the opportunity at Metro.  I really and truly want something to come out of it, but I don't think they'll be able to pay me what I need to be paid.  I also don't know what the path forward is.  All I know that I want my life to matter and right now, it doesn't.

Where:  I'm at home today and chilling with the dogs

Weather:  It was warm outside and I laid outside in the hammock and chilled out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 am / 8:55 pm

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September 13, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de st. Croix

First Impressions: Drunk, loving, sleepy

Book:  Feeling and expressing emotions intensely, following passion through the storms

Guidance: Be the master of your emotions

Journaling

Emotions are such a funny thing as sometimes they seem so overwhelming and as if there is no way that I can bear them.  They're also scary and I don't know how to bear them all and how to survive them.  I feel sometimes as if I'm trapped in a storm of emotions and as if nothing good will come out of them.  This King of Cups is not one of my favorite cards because it feels as if the king is falling over drunk and that's not something I ever want to do again.  I like being in control of my faculties and I like waking up and remembering what I've done.  This card also reminds me of John and he brings out the absolute worst in me.  He makes me feel as if I am the most worthless person on the planet and that's not a place I want to go back to.

It has taken me a really long time to learn that feelings aren't facts and most of the time I do a good job maintaining an even keel, but there are days when it feels as if I let my emotions get the better of me and I get overwhelmed.  Part of it is that I'm totally overwhelmed at work and it feels as if I will never dig myself out of this whole that I'm in and I'm overwhelmed at school and feel as if the work will never get done.  However, I also know that it will get done and I know that no matter what i am strong enough to bear this.  And it may be that things get delayed and don't get done as soon as I'd like them to get done, but that's okay.  I will maintain and make it through this.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the good call with Jamie
I'm good for the awesome call with Frenchie
I'm grateful my org impact will be put in SharePoint
I'm grateful for the warm sun and sitting out with Wendy
I'm grateful for fresh watermelon
I'm grateful for the opportunity to work on my paper
I'm grateful for the kind words

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November 9, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional control

Book:  Fortunate in your achievements, there are things in your life that give you satisfaction

Guidance:  Be aware of focusing on what you don't have, nurture your emotions

Journaling

I needed this reminder today to focus on what I have instead of what is missing from my life.  I am so blessed that we found my daughter last night, but I really want to hurt the guy who raped her.  However, she isn't dead and that is a blessing.  I was so terrified last night.  I felt like I aged 100 years in the 30 minutes she wasn't answering her phone.

I know that we saved her life by his knowing we were coming.  I have to admit that I am so angry and sad today.  I'm  angry that she gave a stranger a ride, I'm sad that she was hurt, and I'm so angry at him.  However, the overwhelming feeling today is gratitude that she is alive.  I'm grateful that she knows she can call me at any time and that she did.  It could have been so much worse, if the rapist hadn't known that she had people who loved her and were looking for her.

October 27, 2018

It has been a year and I still want him dead.  The case is slowly winding its way through the court system, but as the anniversary comes up, she is getting really anxious and angry and sad.   The worst part is that I will not be here for her.  However, we will figure out a plan so that she feels supported and knows that she is loved.

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May 13, 2022


Deck:
  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional maturity

Book:  Surrounded by the sea of the subconscious, ability to move through , underlying mastery of emotions

Guidance:  Manage your emotions, remain detached

Affirmation:  I am aware

Journaling:

I don't think this card is about mastering my emotions as much as it is about being detached and not letting them control me.  It is about choice and choosing how to act based on emotions. Most of my life, I have been a slave to my emotions, but I am learning that just because you feel something, it doesn't mean you have to act on it.  I can feel emotions, but choose not to react.  I can be angry and choose to take a deep breath and release my anger.  I can choose to go about my business even if I am sad or low.  It is pretty amazing to choose how to act based on facts and not emotions.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

The last few years have been an amazing journey and although I wouldn't wish the pain I've gone through on anyone, it has shaped me in a way that I don't think anything else could have and although it is painful, I'm glad I've gone through this.  It has helped me to open my heart and to realize that not everything adults told me when I was growing up was true.  In fact, there is an awful lot that is just plain bullshit.  I read about women who are my age and who have accomplished amazing things and I wonder if that could have been me if I had had a supportive family instead of one that lived in the dark ages when women were chattel.  It really hurts to have been raised that way.

February 6, 2022 Revisit

As I look through the cards I have pulled over the last few years, I realize that I have rarely pulled kings.  A purely unscientific study shows I've pulled them a lot less than other cards.  However, as I chose the Elder of Fire, who sits in a King spot, for my card this year, it seems I have been pulling them a lot more.  I think that is a reflection of the fact that I am stepping into my power and I know that being male is no longer a precursor for power.  However, I also know that I want a different kind of power than men typically have.  I want a more collaborative and supportive type of power.

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