Thursday, May 26, 2022

Ten of Wands

 May 26, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Burdened, faces in the castle, carrying more than my fair share

Book: Burden, responsibilities, effort, excess, work

Guidance: Water the seeds to grow your work

Journaling:

The guidance for this card is like a knife through my heart as it is telling me that I need to put my time and attention on where I want to go and not on the bullshit work that I'm doing.  If I want to move into a teaching and research position,   Your life goes where you put your energy and right now my energy is going into something that doesn't make me happy.  I need to figure out how to transition to putting  my energy toward things that do make me happy.  I'm going to start putting at least some time every Friday afternoon toward my dissertation project and my book.  Even though I would like to put more time toward it, I know that my body just isn't up for that.  I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady does win the race.

Where:   I'm at home and it was one of those super painful days where I was just exhausted and feel as if I have absolutely no energy.  I went to bed early.

Weather:  It was overcast this morning while we were out and about and now it is raining.  It is actually kind of relaxing to sit here in the living room with the rain outside the window.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 25%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 am / 8:51 pm

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January 11, 2022


Deck:  Tarot of Divine

First Impressions:  Being crushed under the pressure of tasks

Journaling

Interesting that I drew this card twice in little over a week.  I also have to confess that I initially tried to put it back because I just journaled on it, but then it jumped out again so I knew my guides really had messages for me.  Today was definitely a ten of wands day as I sat down at my desk and felt like I was already behind.  Glenn slammed us with a task to pull together information on what the plants did last year and what is coming up. One of the things  multiple pulls of the Ten of Wands are telling me are that I need to delegate.  I need to let go of the idea that I am the only ones that can do certain things and learn to trust other people.  I have had to start involving other people and handing things over.  That is super hard for me to do.  However, I've started out by trusting Mercedes and learning to hand small things over to her.  Now I have a couple of other people I'll be handing things over to and it is really hard, but I have to trust them.  

I think life has gotten so overwhelming because I have been reluctant to ask for help and delegate, but if I don't, I am going to stay stuck.  I've started doing that at home too because I just can't keep up with it all so I have to do what I can and start trusting others to do things to be best of their ability.

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January 3, 2022


Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Circle of life, growing from decay

Book: Overwhelmed, stressed, obligation, refusing aide, duty

Guidance:  Accept help when it is offered

Journaling

This is a message that I really needed to hear today as I believe that no one can do things as well as I can so I turn down help.  I turn down the kids cooking dinner, I turn down people helping me at work, etc.  While it is true that in a lot of situations people will not do as good of job as I can, it is also true that if I coach them and work with them, they may be able to do as good or better of job than I can.

I think there is a part of me that really fears being doing as good of job as I can because if someone else can do as good of job or better than I can, then what use am I?  However, what I have learned is that a lot of people can do pieces of what I do as good or better than I can, but there are very few people who can do the breadth of what I can do well.  I also know that the truth of it is that if I can mentor people to do the things that I can do, then I can more exciting things.  If I hold on so fiercely to things, then there will not be opportunities for me to grow and do new things.  I need to commit to mentoring people to do some of the things that I do so that I can move on and do more things.  

To be honest, this is why G. is successful as manager, he can't do what I can do or what the PMs can do, but he can oversee it and point us in the right direction.  I think I am so used to doing the work that it is difficult for me to conceive of not knowing all the ins and outs of what people do.

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September 25, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching into simplicity, leaving the confusion behind

Book:  Confusion, carrying too much

Guidance:  Return to a belief in the goodness of nature

Journaling

This is an interesting read on the ten of wands.  I chose this card because I'm feeling overworked and overburdened as if everyone else's problem has become my problem.  However, the realaity is that I have a savior complex and I want to jump in and save the day.  I volunteer when I should just keep my mouth shut.  I did that this week when I volunteered to go to that client on Friday.  That was a stupid thing to do because it means that I won't get home until Friday night and that really pisses me off.  However, it was my own idiot fault.  I volunteer to let people take advantage of me, then I get pissed when they do.   I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

One of this aspects of this card that I really found interesting was viewing the burdens as different spiritual paths and taking he action to simplify.  That's interesting guidance for someone who has a fascination with all religious practices.  One of the messages that I take from that is that they all do lead to the same place and that's something that I have always believed.  I think we find the path that is right for us based on who we are, but that every path has value and every path can be that simple stick we carry forward with us.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for the exchange with Sean

I'm grateful Cam is okay

I'm grateful for the conversation with John

I'm grateful for the thank you from Joe

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July 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Overshelmed, hiding out

Book:  Burdens, taking on more than we can handle, may have to admit their are commitments you can no longer keep,

Guidance:  Prioritize, ask yourself what commitments you can really keep

Journaling:

I feel totally overwhelmed today and if there is not time to do everything that I need to do.  I want to finish school and it is so important to me, but I don't know how to do that and meet all my commitments at work.  There is a part of me that just wants to curl up and sleep and let the world pass me by.  In fact, that's what I did last night.  I went to bed and slept for 13 hours straight.  It felt wonderful, but I woke up and still have the stuffy head and feel awful.  I think the secret is that I have to be willing to let my body rest.  I abuse my body so much by pushing myself too hard because I think I can do it all.  However, the reality is that I can't do it all and I need to treat my body with respect.  I need to stop and say, "Enough!"

This weekend is my weekend of enough.  There is stuff to clean, I need to finish painting, I need to clean out the car, and there is still work to be done.  But I don't have the time, the energy, or the inclination to do it.  I've said enough and I just need to relax and sit back and be peaceful.  I need to cook and eat simple food, I need to snuggle the dog, I need to binge watch Bourdain, and I need to make time to just be.  When I push myself so flipping hard, I'm like the person in the image with the world falling down around her ears as she becomes buried by responsibility.  The amount of work to do can seem scary and overwhelming and I've realized that sometimes it really is okay to just say no, to say no to the extra work, to say no to going somewhere, to say no to doing one more thing.  It really is okay to just say no.


Gratitudes

Decent sleep

Kudos from David

Kudos from Arlona

Going to bed early

My bedroom not being miserable

Sitting outside with the dogs

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January 1, 2018


Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Weighed down and burdened

Book:  Bent over from the weight of his burden, vision is blocked, cannot see beyond visible path

Guidance:  Don't allow yourself to be a beast of burden, be positive

Journaling

This card really sums up where I've been lately.  It really feels as if I am walking around carrying everyone else's burdens and doing things to make life easier for others.  I'm tired of doing that and I'm tired of sacrificing.  I'm also tired of being lonely and empty inside.  I just feel so unloved and so empty.

Clean house and get rid of the junk and you'll feel better.  Also let go of getting your sense of self/reason for living from external sources.

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November 13, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Taking on burdens that are not ours

Book:  Almost finished with arduous task, light at the end of the tunnel inspires you

Guidance:  Draw on your most basic instincts for the strength to finish what you started, do not stop too soon

Journaling

This card is a reminder to me to not take other people's burdens on.  I'm really bad about taking burdens on that are not mine to bear.  I'm especially bad at taking on my daughter's burdens.  That poor kid has so much to bear.  I need to help, but I also need to let her blossom into the strong and independent person that she is.

Please dearest ones, hold her in your arms and help her.  Help her to know she is always loved.

November 20, 2017 Review

I need to let go and let other's find their own way.

October 30, 2018

I am still really bad about taking on things that are not mine.  Like the other day I was looking on job sites for jobs for my daughter.  She is 26 years old, she is perfectly capable of looking for jobs herself.  I also need to stop cleaning up after everyone even though in some ways it is easier to just do it than to complain to people.  The problem is that when I do just break down and clean up after people, I end up being resentful and unhappy.  I need to find a middle way that marries my own peace of mind with holding people accountable.

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May 10, 2017


Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Carrying too many burdens

Book:  Parts of the load are someone else's.  You need to learn when enough is enough.  Become focused on changing your goals

Guidance:  Look for ways to lighten your load.  Pace yourself.  Don't try to do too much.  As for help.  Allow others to carry their responsiblities.

Affirmation:  I lighten my load

Journaling

Interesting card as it is telling me some of my burdens are not my own.  I know that means karmically as well as my immediate family.  I had an intreseting dream / knowing last night.  I've always thought my dad would like X because he's a standup guy, but I saw a different perspective last night as my dad would focus on his romantic history.  I've moved on from these facts to realize that you have to seize happiness.

May 14, 2016 Revisit

It's interesitng to see the situation through another perspective and try to figure out what my dad would have thought.  It's also intresting that I bring out the bad boy in X to a certain extent.  I make him laugh and am sometimes a playmate.  I don't think others always see that side of him as they just see the white knight.

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September 28, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

Name of Card:  Ten of Rods

First Impressions:  These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon.  The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak.  It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange.  This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book:  Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance:  Set better boundaries, do not take on other people's stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today.  Gateway is being their usual moronic selves.  They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces.  However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I'm not responsible for their decisions.  Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, "It's not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me.  All of this is about them and their bad decision making.  I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy."

December 23, 2017 Recap

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in.  It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior.   They constantly took on insanity that wasn't theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways.  It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they're driven by codependency. 

One of the biggest lessons I've had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn't mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don't like them, too bad.  I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests.  I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior.  Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away.  It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my small little family is loving and peaceful and that matters.

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May 10, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Ten of Fire (pulled reversed)

First Impressions:  Despair, hopelessness, loss of everything that is important, trapped within the flames

Journaling

This is a card of release and of trusting the unverse to overcome the devestation.  It is about knowing that fire is part of the cycle of life and that out of the devastation there is new growth.  It is about accepting that what once was will never be again, but that in its place something new will grow.  Just like no one knows exactly what mix of plants will grow after a fire, I don't know how my new life will play out.  All I can do is surrender and trust that the universe will provide.  I've done my planting seeds, now I just need to trust the universe will provide and that there will be rebirth.

I have to surrender my expectations of what those outcomes are.  That is the most difficult part.

January 5, 2022 Review

It's interesting as I revew this post, because until I reread this I never realized how different the reading for the Gaian Spirit was from the more traditional ten of wands.  In a way they are both about burdens as a fire creates its own kind of burden.  It is also interesting to read this five years after I wrote it as my life has changed a lot since I wrote that.  I have a job where I don't travel so much and I got my MA degree, which wasn't even on my radar at the time I initially posted this.

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