Monday, May 23, 2022

Ten of Swords

 May 23, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  The positioning on this card is different than in most ten of swords as he is laying horizontally and with his face visible.  Additionally, each of the swords has a naked man on it.

Book: Collective defeat, forced rest, exaggeration

Guidance: Your problems have your name on them

Journaling:

The message that I am getting loud and clear is that my physical problems, the exhaustion and the aches and pain, are my own doing.  I eat crap, drink too much soda, then expect to feel good.  It doesn't work that way.  I have to start putting good stuff into my body so that I start feeling good.  I've made a decision that I am going to quit soda on Friday.  I will have a three day weekend so that should let me get over most of the icky side effects before I have to go back to work.  I know it is going to be hard, but I'm also going to start looking at it as a financial issue.  If I drink 4 sodas a day, that is between $6 and $10 per day on Soda.  That's a heck of a lot of money.  If I quit the soda, I could put $300 into my house every month.  

I also need to start exercising and I've decided to go back to the YesFit as I really do get motivated by earning medals.  Those are super small things, but they are things that I can do to get healthy.

Where:  I had to go into the office today and I honestly got a lot done.  It was kind of nice to be in a quiet place where I didn't have a lot of my crap around.  I'm home now and hanging with Clark on the couch.  The problem is that I am positively exhausted.

Weather:  It was a beautiful day out today.  It wasn't too cold, but not too hot either.  I also made an effort to walk around the building and get some steps in.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 42%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58 am / 8:47 pm

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April 18, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Being face up and facing the swords instead of being face down

Book:  Collective defeat, forced rest, exaggeration

Guidance:  Your problems have your name on them

Journaling:

I like the thought of my problems having my name on them because if they have my name on them, that means that I can save them.  I think one of the hardest things lately is figuring out what I can solve, what I can only react to and what is completely out of my hands.  I cannot change the N and this N nice stuff is just crap.  People get away with all kinds of crap and no one is allowed to talk back because that would not be nice.  

The problem is that I get sucked into the darkness because I don't know how to not be an ass so that I can fight back.  I just don't know how to not be the same kind of backstabber as everyone else.  It seems that nice people get eaten alive.  And I have to be honest and say that I even suspect some of the nice people because everyone is so horrible.  I'm not sure what the lesson for me is, but I am going to continue to reflect and meditate and figure out my next steps.

Where: I'm sitting at home with the kiddos and dogs.

Weather: It's cold out today and actually snowed

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 96

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:39am / 8:11 pm

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April 3, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer's Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, stabbed in the back, in pain, desolate

Book:  Painful endings, crisis, stabbed in the back, devastating loss, opportunity to find hope

Guidance:  Give yourself space to heal from trauma

Journaling:

Space and time to heal is so important and I don't think we pay enough attention to that.  We live in a 24/7 world where we just want to move on from everything and make things better right away, but it doesn't work like that.  I remember when I was first separated and B. was telling me to get over it, but he had no idea of the depth of the damage to my soul.  John's humiliation had broken me and I had no idea how to move on.  the ironic part in hindsight is that I have always been strong enough to support myself and take care of myself, I just didn't know it.

The question I'm asking myself now is whether I am strong enough to let someone into my life.  I feel like I still have so many barriers up and I honestly don't know whether I can let myself be vulnerable.  It is so much easier and less complicated to just be my self and not worry about another person's wants or needs.

Where: I'm at home on a Sunday morning with the doggos

Weather: It snowed overnight.  I wish it would just get to be spring already

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm

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October 16, 2019


Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Stabbed in the back

Book:  Drowning in despair

Guidance:  Rise above the victim mentality, trust the universe to support you

Journaling

Today was a really rotten day as we were all emotionally prepped to go to trial and we found out that we're not going because of other trials.  I feel as if Cam was totally stabbed in the back as if she was betrayed by the very justice system that swore to protect her.  I know that in reality this was nothing personal and that is just out the overburdened court system works, but it still feels very very personal.  It's almost as if the court system has no clue as to how difficult it is for crime victims and how dealing with delays just makes it worse. 

The problem with where I'm at right now is that I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I can't trust the universe to do the right thing and it is very hard to trust anyone


January 14, 2022 Revisit

It has been almost two years since the prick that assaulted Cam was given probation and I still feel stabbed in the back by the justice system.  I am realizing that rape is viewed as a women's crime and since women are devalued by the system as a whole, this crime is not given the punishments it deserves.  I don't think the patriarchy realizes how intimate and cruel rape truly is because the assailant is in your very body.  Men cannot understand that and therefore it is not viewed as horrendous as other crimes.  My only consolation is that Cam is taking it well and is moving on.  Personally, I still want the prick's head to go on a stake in the front yard.  I wish that was still a thing.



Gratitudes

I'm grateful I was home with Cam when we found out about the trial
I'm grateful that I didn't send the really nasty email
I'm grateful that we made up and didn't let this rupture us permanently
I'm grateful that I have Thursday and Friday off
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July 11, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions;  Eviscerated, Isis calling for mercy

Book:  Ruin

Guidance:  Come to terms with reality, surrender and welcome the opportunity to move on

Journaling

Interesting card to reflect on today.  It was an absolutely brutal week at work as it felt like everything that could go wrong did.  Everyone seems to be fighting and nothing seems to be going right.  We're struggling with the blueprint and don't have half the work done that we need to get done.  In so many ways, it feels like a perfect shit storm, which is what Mercury Retrograde usually entails.  To top it all off, I'm getting sick and it feels as if I'm never going to be able to breathe again.  I feel as if I'm drowning in grief again, but I don't know why as nothing has occurred that I'm letting go of.

The message I'm getting loud and clear with this card even though it doesn't make perfect sense is to go inward and reflect upon where I am and what I want to do with my life.  I've been living a very outward focused life lately and haven't made time to turn inward and to meditate and reflect on what is important to me.  I've been focused on changing the world, but haven't spent time on me.  I've been eating poorly, not exercising, and not spending time outdoors.  I've let myself get caught up in the brain and not the spirit.  That is my reality right now and it is time I let go of the pleasures of the brain and make time for the pleasures of the spirit.  It is time to do something fun, to walk in nature, and to let the warm sun caress my face.

Surrender is such a hard word because on the surface it means giving up, but in reality it can mean giving up the burdens and giving up the things that we think are important to focus on the things that are really important.  So the trick for me is figuring out what is really important versus what I think is important.  I know that family is important, time for myself is important, but what isn't important?  Work is important only in the sense that it pays the bills, but I can't let go of it until I have something else to pay the bills and I don't know what that is.  I think I just have to pray and open myself up to listening to the answers.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Surrender is still a hard word for me, but I am learning to accept that there are things I just have to turn over and surrender to deity.  It doesn't mean I have to like it, but sometimes I just have to do it.  Interesting as I was writing these words, I got the message that surrendering things that are bothering us or that we cannot control means that we free up space in our lives for things that do move us forward and do add value to our lives.  This makes me wonder if I need to let go of my anger toward people and work and space will be freed up for things that do matter.  Although I do believe that magick and a freezing spell do work on other people, I also believe that these spells work on my own mind because they are another way of turning things over.  

Gratitudes
My flight was on time
Culver's
Walking to lunch
Driving the funky little VW Bettle
Hanging out with the kids when I got home
The dogs being happy to see me

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April 9, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  This card does not have the same sense of darkness as RWS.  It does have a sense of heartbreak and betrayal

Book:  Emptiness, feeling of paralysis, over thinking, end of old cycle

Guidance:  Embrace faith and trust.  Accept things as they are

Affirmation:  I Trust

Journaling

I don't normally like the ten of swords because it is a stabbed in the back/heartbreak card, but I like how this one is portrayed as if all the pain is coming out and it is cleansing in the same way that Dreamer 10 (Tarot of the Sidhe) feels.  And it does feel as if I'm going through a cathartic release right now.

April 16, 2017 Revisit

It still feels cleansing and cathartic to let all the blood and pain come out.  I actually feel happier and more grounded than I have in a long time.

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October 21, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn

Journaling

It actually wasn't that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what's going on in my world really doesn't matter.

The one thing about myself that I'm starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don't like me.  This is not a good way to live and I'm realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balanced

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Interesting to reflect on this and I realize that a lot of why I might have felt constantly on edge about my job when I was a consultant is you really are always on the bubble.  The only time you are really safe is when you are on a project and then you have to bend over and kiss ass to not get let go.  I hadn't realized until I read this how much that stress constantly weighed on me.  I felt like every time I made a misstep I was going to get a pink slip.  I don't feel that weigh at the Big Bird because I know it is a huge process to let someone go and I know I am doing a good job.  I don't necessarily love my job, but I am realizing that I do feel much safer and more secure than I did as a consultant.

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September 14, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled reversed

Initial Impressions: 
 The beads in his hair came loose, but there is no blood.  Are the beads supposed to represent the blood?  Reversed, this card says to me that someones cares are falling away.

Book:  Opportunity arises for liberation and change.  The ultimate battle is with yourself.  Work on the issue and find the courage to rise again.  You will endure and persevere.

Guidance:  Have the courage to love again.  Trust that he loves you.  Be open.

Journaling

Hope is such a good thing and there are days it is in short supply because I get mired in all the details.  For me, this card speaks to cares and worries falling away and about the weirdness being gone.  Reversed this card is about opening up.

December 22, 2017
Interesting as I read this card over a year later, what I see is someone being impaled by the swords versus them falling away.  I've quit reading reversals so if I was to read this card today, I would see it as the worst having been done.  The nine of swords is about nightmares and in some ways this card is about the nightmare coming true.  However, the one thing that I have learned in my life is that sometimes it is okay when the other shoe has dropped and you know for sure where you're at.  For me, it is harder to deal with the uncertainty and the worry than with cold hard facts.  With cold hard facts, you can come up with a plan to actually address what's going on.

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May 29, 2016

Ten of Fire
Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  Being overwhelmed by loss and grieving, Dreams going up in smoke, clearing away the old to make room for the new.

Journaling:

I'm at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new.  It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or that it isn't hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch.  I'm sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.

December 29, 2017

This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires.  There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch.  As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I'm realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships.  I've always had some kind of foundation to start with.  I don't know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.

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