Monday, May 9, 2022

April Word of the Month Kindness: End of the Month reading

  To help my personal growth, I've decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I'll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for April is:


At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

This has been a very difficult month for me as physically I have felt awful.  I've just felt incredibly tired and out of sorts all month.  With that I have worked to be kind to myself and accept that right now I cannot do as much as I've always done in the past.  I need to go slow and take my time with life.  That is incredibly frustrating for me as I love to go a million miles a minute and get shit done, but right now I need a lot of rest and sleep and that annoys me.  I am really having to learn to go slow and take care of myself.  For me, kindness has had to be about taking care of me.

What does kindness mean for me right now?
The Page of Pentacles tells me that kindness is not something that is always easily given.  there are days when it requires hardship and sacrifice to be kind.  Everyone makes it out that kindness is easy and kindness is gentle.  Kindness can be gentle, but it does not mean that it is easy.  True Kindness is about choosing to be kind even when the other person is being a jerk.  There are times when Wendy is being a royal jerk.  She is being whiny, she is being pushy, she is doing bad cuddles and all I want to do is push her away and not be around her.  However, most of the time, I am able to take deep breaths and remind myself that she is a dog and that all she really wants is my love.  I'm able to reach a compromise where she can be half on me and not taking over my whole lap and hurting me.  Once she settles in and I stroke her head and give her some love, her whole body relaxes as she knows she is in safe space.

I guess when I reflect on it, kindness creates safe space.  It is a place where people can bring their most annoying behavior and know that they will be treated kindly.  Cam and I were talking this morning about how life with John was not safe space and at the end of the day it was really because he wasn't kind.  He always assumed that any time anyone made a mistake or broke something that it was personal, that we were out to get him.  That wasn't true, we were all just doing the best we could and it wasn't all about him.  I think the bottom line is that he had not learned to be kind.

However, what I am still struggling with is where does that leave me with the Evil M.  She very deliberately targets me and other people have noticed it.  So how do I be kind when someone is out to get me?  I think in this instance, I am choosing to be kind to myself and to not respond and to protect myself from her.  I think that is really all I can do.

What did I  learn about kindness?

The Queen of Pentacles is about mentoring and guiding and that those are extreme forms of kindness because they mean investing in other people and helping them to succeed.  Mentoring requires letting go of my ego and not making everything a competition.  This is incredibly hard for me as there is a part of me that is totally black and white and believes that if someone else is good, then it means I am bad.  For instance, Glenn was praising Morrighan the other day and it took all I could do to not ask if she was better than me or make a comment that made it all about me.  I had to take a deep breath and accept that it wasn't a competition and that I got my fair share of compliments and that saying someone else was good was no reflection at all on me.  There is a part of me that thinks that if I'm not the best, I am worthless and should just go away.  It really takes a conscious effort to not go down that path.

I think part of the reason that I struggle is that I did not have a kind mother.  She was not about mentoring and helping.  She was about controlling.  Everything was all about her and if I did something she did not like (like get divorced) she viewed it as a reflection on her.  My father also pushed me to always be the best and if I got a B he would always ask why it wasn't an A.  I know that he was pushing me to be my best, but at the time it really felt as if I would not be loved if I got a B.  

What do I need to do to continue to bring Kindness into my life?

Five of cups is an interesting card to pull for this question, but as I reflect on it, the word that keeps coming to me is overcome.  I need to overcome or put my own emotions to the side to continue to be kind to others.  I also know that kindness begets kindness so as I work to be kind in spite of my own issues, kindness will return.

It is sometimes so hard to be kind when life seems to be falling apart and life has done a lot of falling apart over the last two years.  I also have the feeling that even though we all think the world has opened up, that it hasn't.  We are still in a bad place with the pandemic and it feels like numbers are going to rise again even though the official word is that we are back to normal.  I just have to take a step back and take care of myself.  I don't have to give until it hurts, but I can still be kind by listening, by giving of myself, and just being a nice person.

What benefits will I have bringing kindness into my life?

I love this card because unlike most eight of pentacles cards, this one shows the energy coming from a person's fingers.  It is showing that we create and can share energy.  This card is about letting the energy of the universe flow though me and as I reflect on this card, I realize that the energy of the universe is fundamentally kind, it is when we get all caught up in ego and ourselves that we block it and are unkind.  This card tells me that as I let kindness flow through me, it will not deplete me but will enrich me.  

My heart is also telling me that kindness does not mean accepting abuse from others, but I do not have to respond to unkindness with unkindness.  I can just let it go. The problem happens when I grasp on to the unkindness and take it in and let it worry me. I just need to let it go.

This was a pretty deep reading, but I find that the Sacred Rose always gives really deep readings.  There is a lot here to reflect on.

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