I was abused physically and emotionally during my marriage. John would hit me, he put my head through a wall, and he beat me with a baseball bat in the last months of my marriage. The worst was the emotional abuse as he would degrade me, call me names, and gaslight me. I'd thought I had processed it all and was healing. However, then I had a dream.
We were in a little country diner and it was when I was still married to John. He was having lunch with what I thought was a friend and I had not seen him for a while as he was staying with someone else. I was excited and came in and sat beside him. He elbowed me off the bench and said something about not wanting to see my fat ass. He was incredibly cruel (like he usually is) and made a comment to the person he was with about me being a piece of shit and not worthy of his time. I was so embarrassed.
However, then the amazing part came in. The waitress came over and asked if I was okay. She also took me to the owner of the place out of sight of John. The owner told me that his behavior wasn't okay and that she'd gotten a text from the person he was sitting with, who happened to be the sheriff, saying it wasn't okay and that she was to find out what I needed to be safe. As soon as that happened, John would be kicked out of town and never allowed back in. I was floored. I told her that I couldn't leave the house because the mortgage was in my name, etc. I was also afraid that even though he apparently didn't want me, that he would still hurt me because I was just a think to him. She helped me find a realtor and a mortgage to get out of the house. And helped me find a safe place to stay.
The overall message was that I was worthy of love and that his behavior was unacceptable no matter what. In some ways, this was retraumatizing because it reminded me of his cruelty and disrespect for me all over again, but it was also empowering and told me that I was worth of love and that help was all around me, all I had to do was ask.
After the dream, I realized I still had some work to do so I pulled some cards.
The two of cups is about love and trust, but this card flags the opposite for me in this reading. His abuse made me feel that I was failing in the most important relationship in my life and that I was unworthy of the love. The person I had chosen to share my life was abusing me and because I had grown up in a dysfunctional family where I had been taught that love hurts, I thought I deserved his abuse. I thought there was something inherently unworthy in me that no one would love me and that I really was the worthless piece of shit that he kept telling me that I was. I also knew that if I had left, I would have had no where to go. Charlene would have told me to go back to him as she didn't believe in divorce.
The ironic thing is that I was always strong enough to be my own person, I just had been brainwashed by the dysfunctional bitch who raised me to believe I was worthless. I am beautiful and worthy of love just for being who I am. John didn't treat me with love and respect because as he told me when we were splitting up, he wanted to take me down a few pegs. The thing is that he always got on me for not dressing up, not wearing makeup, etc. However, what he failed to realize is that there was no way I could take pride in who I was when someone was continually beating me down.
What would have happened if I had tried to leave sooner?