To help my personal growth, I've decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on. I'll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life. My word of the month for February is:
At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading. The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.
End of the Month Reading
Deck: Sacred Rose Tarot
What does loving mean for me right now?
The two of cups tells me that romantic love should be about equals. It should not be about one person being dominant over another. This card is about being attuned emotionally and always wanting what is best for the other person. It is about each person bringing themselves to the table as they are. Sometimes they will be able to bring their best selves to the table, but other times they will crawl to the table bloody and broken and bruised and no matter how they show up, the table is a safe place. It is place to be loved and nurtured and a place where you no you are safe no matter what.
My marriage was never place as I knew that no matter how I came to the table I would be put down and abused. It is funny, because I also pulled this card in my IPV Trauma Tarot Reading and in that sense the card was telling me that what I had wasn't really love as it made me feel bad about myself. They say that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you and what I am realizing is that that is so true. Until I can love my worst self, my self that is broken and bloody and bruised, I can't expect anyone else to truly love me. I have finally got to the point where I love myself no matter what. Wendy helped me a lot with that because she can be such a pain in the ass, but I love her no matter what.
What did I learn about loving?
A card about accomplishments, the six of wands, seems odd in this sense as it would make love about ego. However, I'm reading this card as that love is about loving yourself and your accomplishments. This card is telling me that I do not need to be less than in order to be loved. This card is telling me that I need to stand tall and to be myself. If someone truly loves me, they will be happy for my accomplishments and not try to cut me down. This card is also about being rewarded for both hard work and creative endeavors.
Wow! this seemed like an odd card, but when I read it as being able to be myself and to be proud of who I am, it makes so much sense. I could never be myself with John because either I wasn't good enough or he felt the need to bring me down a peg. He actually said that was why he was so shitty to me. I'm not sure why he thought that I was full of myself because I wasn't. And after 22 years with him, I had no self esteem.
What do I need to do to continue bringing loving into my life?
This depiction of the two of wands is about equality in partnerships and this tells me that I need to continue to be myself and to not be afraid of conflict with those I love. There will always be disagreements and some conflict is normal, but it is about being able to be yourself and to not always feel you have to fight to the death. I think with John I felt I had to fight to the death because if I backed down he would use it against me. As I reflect, I brought this into my relationship from seeing my parents' marriage and other marriages that modeled theirs. These were not marriages of equals as someone always had to be dominant. And that someone was usually the man. I think that is why I was never able to accept my soft side, the side of me that likes to nurture because that was not valued when I was growing up and that set of skills was not valued. I always saw women as the second class citizen.
To continue being loving, I need to accept that I can be loved and be myself.
What benefits has loving brought into my life?
Loving has helped me realize that I do not have to carry the burden alone. I can reach out and ask for help and that is healthy. There is such a belief that we have to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, but that is so harmful because human beings were not designed to be solitary beings. We are designed to come together in community and to help one another. There are two pieces that are important to not becoming overwhelmed by work or other burdens. The first is being willing to ask for help and tell people that you need assistance. And the second is to set boundaries and say no when you do not have the time or energy to take something else on. All too often, we keep saying yes, yes, and yes and end up overwhelmed.