Friday, March 18, 2022

Tarot Trauma: What trauma did estranging myself from my family cause?

 Charlene, the person who gave birth to me, has always been emotionally abusive.  She was rude and hateful to me in public, she made me believe I was less than, and when I told her I had a drinking problem and was getting help through AA she said, "I didn't raise a drunken slut who tries to kill herself."  I was devastated, but I had been raised to respect my elders so I let it go.  She raised me to doubt myself and to believe that I wasn't worth anything on my own.  I blame her for my decision to marry an abuser as she raised me to believe that no matter what someone did to you, you had to forgive them.  However, you really don't.

She gaslit me my entire life and while I was married, she questioned how my husband would feel if I went to a writer's retreat and left him with the kids, she questioned my decorating choices, and she questioned my parenting choices.  My final straw came when I told her that I was separating from my abusive husband and her question was "There's not going to be a divorce is there?"  That was it.  I have never spoken to her since.  The first few months after our estrangement, she tried calling constantly, but I didn't talk to her and I started to heal. 

Walking away from my mother was the best thing I ever did for myself.  She was no longer second guessing me and putting me down and I have healed so much from walking away from her toxicity.  However, it came with a price as you can never really walk away from just one person.  Once I made the decision, I had to walk away from everyone.  If I hadn't, people would have been giving her information about me and guilting me to talk to her.

I believe the decision to walk away was worth it, but when I found out that my Aunt Gloria had died, I felt a little broken reading the comments from my family members.  I'm a little sad that I don't belong to a family anymore and that it is just me and the kids.

What trauma did estranging myself from my family cause?

Interesting as the six of wands is not about trauma at all, but is about overcoming obstacles and coming out ahead.  However, as I reflect on this card, it makes me think about how my Grandmother Babcock always said that I thought I was better than everyone else and that I was stuck up.  I have to admit that there have been times since I have walked away from Charlene where I have felt guilty and felt that I achieved my success at her expense. 

I know that I worked hard for my degree and for everything that I had, but John instilled a lot of doubt into me around my degree as he always said it was handed to me and that mommy and daddy bought it for me.  It was true that my parents did pay for my school, but I am the one that showed up and did the work. It is easier to do the work when someone is supporting you, but that doesn't mean that I didn't do anything.  

I really hate that I let people into my head.  I realize now that John's comments were a direct result of his own insecurities and self loathing, but at the time I took it to heart.

The trauma was that I second guessed myself and felt guilty.

Was it the right decision?

The ten of cups tells me that it was most definately the right decision.  It was having the courage to walk away from my mother Charlene that gave me the life I have now.  What is ironic is that this is a card that is all about relationships and family and building strong familial relationships.  However, if I had chosen to keep her in my life, I don't think I would have had the strong relationship I have with my own kids.  Walking away from her is what gave me my life and gave me my relationship with my kids.  They saw me take major steps to heal and that has given them a good example to follow.  It also taught them that you do not have to show respect and loyalty to people who disrespect you, no matter what the relationship.  

The other lesson from this card is that by walking away from someone who was toxic, I created space in my life for people who will love me just as I am.

What effect did it have on me?

Walking away from Charlene gave me the opportunity to stand on my own two feet and to set my roots deep into the ground.  It gave me the opportunity to build my fortune and to create a stable environment for myself and the kids.  This is amazingly true as I make $50K more than I did when I was still with John, I own my own house, and my credit is way better.  

Getting away from her toxicity meant that I quit hearing her bitchy doubting voice in my head.  However, I had to work hard to get rid of her voice.  I finally had to develop a meditation where whenever I heard her voice telling me I wasn't good enough, I had Frank Reagan (Tom Selleck's character from Blue Bloods) escort her to the door and tell her she wasn't welcome.  At first he was very kind and gently with her, but he got more forceful when she kept coming back and being bitchy.  This is one of the most powerful meditations I've ever done and it helps me tremendously.

What do I do next?

I work to build the life of my dreams and to create a life that works for me.  The Wish Card is telling me to figure out what I want in my life and to put it out there.  This card is also about happiness and about building relationships.  This card is also about taking care of myself and doing things that make me happy.  It is about relaxing and letting go of all the worry and stress that I'm holding on to.  By doing those things and going within myself, I will find the life that is right for me.  My life is unique to me and I need to let go of all the weird things and just find who I am.

One of the big lessons I'm getting right now is to just do my job.  Do what is required of me and let go.  I need to let go of my ego attachments to work.  Work is a paycheck and that's all.  I have never been able to do my job without putting my heart and soul into it because I always felt as if I wasn't all in, I wasn't earning my keep.  However, I've come to realize that I can do an acceptable job and earn my paycheck even if I'm not all in.  My job funds my life and that's all.  That's all I need it to do and that is okay.

How do I heal?

The four of swords tells me that I need to rest and relax and regroup.  I have survived a lot in my life and I need to take care of myself.  I need to pause taking care of others and make sure that I take care of myself.  That is hard for me to do as I often feel like no one can do things as well as I can.  And that means that I often volunteer to do things that aren't my responsibility.  I need to let go of the need to always be the responsible one and to accept that sometimes I need to step aside.  People may not do things as well as I do, but that's okay.  Sometimes they just need to get done.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts